I'll Kick Alex Ferguson's Dog If He'd Like

Since Fulham seems to be in a terminal tailspin right now (not that anyone except us supporters expected otherwise) with no respite in sight entertaining Manchester United at the Cottage next weekend, I'm left with nothing to do except for make fun of other teams who are worse off. ;)

Target #1 of course is Everton who with Sunderland's unexpected victory against Middlesbrough find themselves pretty much where everyone expected them to be two seasons ago - in last place in the Premiership with three points in total.

Now, there are still those who say that sacking David Moyes might be a little premature (such as chief executive Keith Wyness). But I say that it's possibly the one thing that might save the team from being one of only a handful of teams to play in European competitions and be relegated the same year (and to the best of what I've seen, it's only happened to UEFA Cup teams and never to a Champions League qualifier).

Here's why I say this - it's entirely Moyes' fault the Everton offense is sputtering - only one goal in six matches. Or, well not entirely his fault since James Beattie and Lee Carsley are out. But, there is one move that the embattled coach could choose to make at any given point that he's refused to - bench Tim Cahill.

Flashback to last season - Everton's no offensive dynamo either scoring 45 goals but who lead the team? Tim Cahill with 11 (nearly doubling second place tiers Darren Bent, Duncan Ferguson, and Leon Osman).

But see the problem with Tim Cahill is he's Australian. Not just Australian but a really proud Australian who insists on playing every meaningless game for his home country. I mean, come on, they could have beat the Solomon Islands with Cahill watching from a comfortable chair in Liverpool. But the midfielder insisted on flying halfway around the world. That is not even to mention the fact that he played for the socceroos in the Confederations Cup.

And he didn't even pull a Jared Borgetti and take a nice long siesta on a mysterious beach somewhere. No, as soon as it was done, he reported to Everton's training facilities like a good little camper.

Unless he's borrowed some of Adrian Mutu's coke, he's not superhuman and that whole adventure has got to be taking a toll on him. He's played in 516 of 540 minutes for Everton this year so obviously he's pretending not to be tired but his 0 goals and 1 assist in the six games states otherwise.

In a situation like that it's up to manager to step in a sit the young man down until he gets his legs back under him. Perhaps Moyes is trying to hold out until the international break but if Everton loses again this weekend to Manchester City, he might not get the chance to explain that was his strategy all along. I mean I dropped Tim Cahill and I'm not even that good a fantasy manager. :)

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Target #2 is the usual suspect - Manchester United. Now, I think as is the usual the spoiled and prissy fans at Old Trafford are overreacting. But as usual Sir Alex Ferguson is not making matters any better by pouting and storming off stage at his Champions League press conference today.

While I wish I could find a picture of him sucking his thumb after that reaction (I'm sure someone on bigsoccer.com has doctored a picture into doing so), this is not the face of a defiant man by any means:



But it's alright, his right hand (yes)man Arsene Wenger was there to defend him. The fact that he still denies he pretty much echoes everything Ferguson says (and vice-versa is amazing, but to be fair to him, here's Arsene's full quote as reported in the press vis-a-vis the fans booing Ferguson at Old Trafford after the loss to Blackburn (I can't mention that nearly enough):

"You know I am not his best friend, but I found it really appalling. Of course like the players we are only as a good as our last game, but what this guy has done for the club, I find it horrendous and nearly unbelievable."

Or to paraphrase: "I'm shocked, shocked that the Manchester United supporters are not letting Ferguson live purely on reputation. Why soon the fans at Highbury could realize that we've already lost two matches and turn on me."

With all this going on, it's a small wonder why David Beckham wants to renew his contract at Real Madrid. Though apparently his Spanish isn't good enough yet to realize his current club coach is about to be fired way before Alex Ferguson is.

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And finally, I thought there was a bit of good news for Newcastle United (though now that they're winning, I can't really make fun of them) in that they got rid of Kieron Dyer (though he's not a player they really want to get rid of for anything except for bad memories) - to the Notting Hill Nothings no less (as long as no one points out that QPR play an entire neighborhood away from Notting Hill, I'm going to keep using it).

But alas, it was West Brom's Lloyd Dyer (who I'm not sure is related or not) who is being cursed by being sent to the little stepbrother of the other West London teams.

Here's an interesting tangential fact, Arsenal currently has the first best record in London behind Chelsea, Tottenham, Charlton, and West Ham with only a better record than a team I won't mention that play in the most wonderful place on Earth right on the River Thames.

Not mentioning that fact makes it easier to make fun of Arsenal, Newcastle United, and even throw in Colaship QPR for fun. :) And no I'm not making fun of QPR in advance of next year when Fulham and QPR are in the same division again. :(